I have mixed feelings about the new year. I've endured great unhappiness in 2009, but leaving it and moving forward to 2010 and beyond makes me a little nostalgic for the past.
It also makes me a bit afraid that by going forward, I may eventually forget about some important parts of my previous years. I don't want to do that.
It also makes me feel like I'm leaving behind my late husband. So for that reason, here is a slide show I made for him that I'd like to share with you, so he will be a little less forgotten.
For those who never met him, were I to try to sum him up in one sentence, I think I'd say, "He was not your average Joe."
I will never totally forget him, unless someday dementia consumes my mind's precious recollections of him and all his ways. But I have this disturbing feeling right now that he is gradually floating away from me, like a leaf drifting down a bubbling stream. He's in a better place, of course, but it is not here, with me.
There is no guidebook for what I'm going through, at least none I've found very beneficial. Each soul must make their own journey through grief as thick as this.
Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting my way through a very dense jungle, machete in hand, sweat on my brow, tears in my eyes. Am I getting anywhere? In fact, what is my final destination? Is there any end to this misery? None in sight, yet.
Thank you, everyone, for providing support for me on this blog. It is immensely comforting. I'm not sure why. It's sort of like having someone hold the flashlight for you while you're walking in the dark.
So just stay with me, please, for the night is cloudy and moonless, and I am afraid to go on alone.